


I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

by kanekicure



Series: Everything I Wanted (and it was always you) [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Breakdown, POV Andrew Minyard, POV Neil Josten, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, andrew is there to help him, neil finally snaps, neil has issues that should be addressed!!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23111380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanekicure/pseuds/kanekicure
Summary: Neil Abram Josten hasn’t been fine since he could remember.Neil figures that the moment he was born he was consumed with pain, he had to have been. He could never imagine being held softly, kindly and with pure intentions. It was a far cry from the reality of what growing up was. Even his mother couldn’t possibly be on that list. She may have loved him but she was never gentle with him, her love was twisted and routed in paranoia and fear. Her hands had been torn and bloodied so scabs grew over the once smoother skin.-or the day that Neil Josten finally breaks.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Everything I Wanted (and it was always you) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698091
Comments: 37
Kudos: 615





	I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

**Author's Note:**

> This work is quite personal for myself, I've recently developed serious PTSD because of the death of my brother and the reason of his death was related to my own childhood trauma, so that opened a lot of things I had ignored for my entire life. The Foxhole Court is something I read afterwords and it was a life saviour for myself but I wanted to explore the things that I feel should have been talked about. Like the trauma this poor boy must have. Thank you for reading :)

Neil Abram Josten hasn’t been fine since he could remember. 

Neil figures that the moment he was born he was consumed with pain, he had to have been. He could never imagine being held softly, kindly and with pure intentions. It was a far cry from the reality of growing up. Even his mother couldn’t possibly be on that list. She may have loved him but she was never gentle with him, her love was twisted and routed in paranoia and fear. Her hands had been torn and bloodied so scabs grew over the once smoother skin. He didn’t know if he had his father to thank for that or the family his mother was born into. Like him, it seemed violence was the first thing their blood would ever taste. 

_What a family heirloom Mom. Thank you._

His father of course, could never love. A hand on his stomach or chest would be enough to answer such thoughts. His hands were quick and created damage anywhere they wandered. He didn’t know how to avoid the way they would rain down on him as a child, the way they would grab his wrists and strap them down on a cold metal table that he should’ve first seen on a horror movie when he was thirteen. Not when he was three and he didn’t finish his dinner. His father had taken his dinner knife, still covered in their meal and brought it to his stomach. Those were his first scars, and the first one his mother had cleaned out with steady hands and far away eyes, but now Neil couldn’t tell them apart from the others that danced and criss crossed against his skin. 

When Neil was eighteen and burying his mother, he decided that he was wrong. His father did love something. Knives, and the way they made people bleed under them. 

_How they made me bleed. How they made me scream. You loved hearing me scream didn’t you dad?_

Neil didn’t know what it was like to feel okay, to not feel the constant pressure and agony of another day. Another hopeless attempt to make it two steps farther while still breathing. 

_‘Pointless Abram, pointless Abram. All this for you. ‘_

_All of this for me. But it’s pointless. Pointless pointlesspointlesspointless_

The Foxes had changed that for Neil, they had appeared with their scarred hands, and battered bodies. Ones that looked vaguely similar to his own, and he couldn’t help but flinch away when they tried to accept him. To give him a home. He didn’t believe that he could ever have a home that’s foundations weren’t built on violence. 

_‘How long till they find you Abram?’_

_Soon, soon, soon, soon,_

But one day, he had realized that he had long ago started thinking of them as home, as something safe and he was more shocked to see, that their presence hadn’t left scars on his being. Something that he once thought impossible, but once he got a taste of it, he felt it now impossible to let go. 

_Safe? Home? Safe? Home? Impossible. Impossible. Right?_

-

Neil now, currently, was standing alone in the Foxhole Court, with a racquet in hand. It’s steady weight in his palms and the stiff feeling of his armour and workout clothes kept his being tied to his body as he mindlessly raised his arm and threw the ball.

_Weapon._

The steady thumping of a ball against the court wall was enough to calm the heavy slamming of Neil’s heart.

_Like gunshots. The gunshots of the gun in my hands._

He didn’t know what inspired him to come out here so late- 

_Running. I’m running._

-Even Andrew had looked slightly annoyed when he went to the bedroom to find Neil pulling on pants. He hadn’t said anything, but the slight raise to his eyebrow was enough for him to duck his head and offer a weak smile.

“Can I borrow the car?” 

Andrew had said nothing for a moment, pressed his lips in a thin line before he reached into his pocket and fished out the keys, tossing them at Neil who fumbled to catch them. “Junkie,” he muttered before he pushed past him and entered the washroom. But Neil hadn’t missed the quick and gentle tap on his elbow on his way past. 

_Gentle? I don’t deserve ‘gentleness.’_

The small tremble on his hands pulled him out of his thoughts again, he felt the slope he was dancing on as cruel thoughts forced their way into the forefront of his mind. Painful and sharp and they hissed the words he didn’t want to hear. But it was impossible to stop them. Impossible to stop his father’s knives from digging into his skin. Impossible for him to stop his mother’s heavy fists and wicked words. 

_They are dead._

_Are they?_

His breath felt trapped in his chest and a weak weaze slipped past his lips, he stumbled for a moment before he felt his legs grow weak and the sharp shock of pain zipped through his body as he hit the ground. His hand flying up to the collar at his throat he clutched it in an attempt to catch his breath. 

_Why couldn’t he breathe?_

_He had to move, he couldn’t stay here._

_Knives. Don’t stay strapped down. It hurts more when you can’t move._

_Father would be here, every moment he wastes is another his father gains._

_Where was his gun?_

_Mother will be furious._

_Mother?_

_Mother?_

_Mother?_

_She’s dead._

_Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead._

A harsh hand on the back of his neck shocked air into his lungs as his eyes flew open- when did he even close them- and his hands jumped to clasp the hand at the back of his neck. Moving to defend himself even though he should know it was a lost cause, the attacker had his neck. He was going to die, he was going to diehewasgoingtodiefinallyhewasgoingtodie.

“Neil.” The attackers voice snapped and his hands faltered, “Neil Abram Josten, that is your name. You are the Starting Striker for the Palmetto State Foxes. Your father is dead. You are safe.”

_Andrew._

Neil blinked, turning to see Andrew hovering behind him, crouched low and his hand still a steady presence on the back of his neck. His face was blank but his eyes were sharp and heavy on him as Neil opened his mouth to speak, “Andrew? Wha-”

_He was here, he was here, he’s here he’s everywhere._

He turned at the sound of footsteps and it was the first time he realized they weren’t alone, Matt, Nicky and Kevin were also on the court, moving increasingly faster but stopped when Andrew raised a sharp hand. 

“He’s fine.” The words are flat but the warning was clear. Matt seemed like he was going to argue anyways but Nicky clasped his shoulder and pushed him alongside them. 

“Ignore them.” Andrew says, his other hand gently gripping Neil’s face and turns his gaze back to him and Andrew gives him a once over before continuing. “Can you stand?” 

Neil managed a stiff nod and staggered to his feet with Andrew’s steady help, he didn’t hold on longer than he had too and Neil missed the heavy touch that seemed to ground him into place, he chewed on his bottom lip as his mind tried to catch up with everything that had happened. His gaze landed on his racket that was still abandoned on the court’s floor. 

When Neil went to go grab it he felt Andrew’s quick grip on his arm. “Leave it,” he said sharply. “Do you want me to help you walk, yes or no?” 

“Yes.” Neil croaked and let himself be moved closer into Andrew’s grip. The walk back to the change room was mostly silent as Neil’s heart started slowing down in his chest. The trembling of his hands returned back to normal and his thoughts began steadying out again. No longer tumbling over each other at desperate speeds but then a thought occurred to him.

He frowned, “Why were you at the court?” 

“It’s one in the morning.” Was Andrew’s response, “You left the dorm at ten. Figured you were taking longer than you usually would. Even considering that you are a Junkie.” 

The last comment was definitely Andrew’s half assed attempt at comfort, but Neil felt his mouth go dry. He had been on the court for what felt like an hour at most, he hadn’t even started to rerun his drills before his mind had gotten the best of him. Two hours of that he was missing, two hours he couldn’t place. Two hours where anything and anyone could have gotten to him. 

Andrew must have felt Neil’s body tense because his grip tightened on his arm, “Calm down.” 

Neil glanced around as they entered the change room. The rest of the guys were sitting there; Nicky and Matt looked concerned and both jumped to their feet as he moved in but Kevin stayed sitting. At first glance he looked annoyed, but Neil didn’t miss the slight arch to his eyebrow.

This time Andrew let them get closer but gave them a sharp glare when they reached to touch him. 

Matt spoke first, “Are you okay dude?” His words rushed and Neil attempted a weak smile but it must’ve fell flat by the wince on both Nicky and Matt’s face. 

“Yeah, sorry didn’t realize how much time had slipped past.” His voice was shaky as he found his voice long enough to string together an entire sentence. 

Nicky frowned, “When we got here you were on the ground and shaking Neil. That isn’t time slipping past, what happened?” 

Neil hesitated, “Uh, just remembered something. I’m really sorry-”

_He’s not dead, not completely._

“Apologize and I break your hand so you can never play Exy again.” Andrew cut him off.

“You guys shouldn’t be up so late.” Neil fired back but Nicky shook his head.

_I don’t deserve this._

“We wanted to come, Andrew noticed you still hadn’t come back yet and I was up still, Kevin was sleeping on the couch so when he left the dorm we asked what was going on. Matt drove since it was his car we needed.” Nicky smiled softly, but it was forced. “We were worried something happened and Andrew didn’t stop us from coming.” 

Neil nodded his head, his eyes dropping from Nicky and he tried to think of something to say. But Andrew rolled his eyes and pointed to the doors, his movement’s stiffness was the only give away to how he was feeling.

“Well, he’s fine. Go back with Matt, all of you.” 

No one protested as they moved for the doors, but as they went Kevin stopped by the both of them. He kept his stare on Neil, his hands clenched tightly and an unimpressed expression on his face. 

“Don’t make a habit of this. We will go to the court together at night again, from now on.” He snapped and moved away before Andrew could do anything. Neil watched him go in silence.

Afterwards, Andrew helped Neil out of his gear with a quick ‘yes or no’ passed between them. He moved quickly, but he wasn’t rough. He didn’t say anything else as they stepped into the shower, Neil closed his eyes and leaned into Andrew’s body, when Neil asked and he’d nodded his head. Andrew took his weight without comment and even reached a hesitant hand up and stroked Neil’s hair softly for a moment. 

Neil nosed Andrew’s neck, letting the feeling of the other’s skin against him let him drift back into his body again. He let his mind windle down to nothing, as it calmed with the promise of home and safety so close.

-

The next morning, Neil couldn’t miss the looks from his other roommates. He had woken up with Andrew pressed against the wall, a small distance between the two and usually he would let himself smile at the realization that Andrew had stayed in his bed all night without leaving. But instead a cold feeling was still curling in his gut. Bitter and sick, his mind kept dancing on a fine line that was in danger of snapping. 

_Another day Abram. Just another fucking day._

He moved out of bed and went to the kitchen where both Kevin and Nicky stood; they both shared a quick look as Neil moved for the coffee. 

“How are you feeling?” Nicky asked, pushing the milk towards him and Neil pushed it away. 

“Fine. Sorry about last night again, you guys didn’t have to come. I would’ve been okay.” He responded quickly and ignored the way his mind rang in response. 

_Liar._

Neither of the two said anything but Kevin shook his head and left the kitchen without a word. 

-

Practice was worse. Neil’s mind kept spinning in broken cycles and it didn’t help that Matt wouldn’t leave him alone. He also didn’t miss Dan’s concerned look and he felt frustration at his friend for telling Dan in the first place. It wouldn’t take long now for the entire team to hear about Neil’s little breakdown and he wasn’t in the state of mind to deal with that kind of attention. 

It didn’t seem like the universe was willing to give him a break today though. 

With every score he missed, he felt Kevin grow closer to his back. The lecture he was holding back was only moments away from bursting at the seams. Andrew blocked his attempts, with little effort, barely moving from his spot and Neil could feel the eyes of his other classmates, even the freshmen seemed confused, on his back. 

_Worthless._

_‘All of this for you and you can’t even do this’_

The slamming of the ball hitting the court wall caused Neil’s entire body to flinch. 

_Someone has a gun._

“Get off the court Josten.” Kevin finally snapped behind him, his face was twisted into a nasty scowl and Neil tried to ignore the heavy feeling of disappointment from overwhelming him. “I’m embarrassed just watching you.”

“Like I said,” Jack shouted. “He sucks!” 

Matt spun around, jabbing his finger in the general direction of the freshman, “Shut up he did not ask you for your fucking opinion.” 

Jack scoffs, rolling his eyes before he looks over at Sheena. The only other freshmen that seemed to be able to tolerate him. “He’s literally worthless.”

_Worthless._

_Worthless…_

_You were right._

“Hey daddies boy? Do ya think you’d do better in a different career? Hmm? Take up the family business.” 

Neil swallowed blood and he saw the bodies hanging from the wall of the basement. 

‘ _Make sure you don’t cut anywhere major first-’ Cruel lips and blue eyes that look oh so familiar stared back at him, ‘We save that for later.’_

“Jack shut the fuck up.” Matt snarled before stalking across the field towards the freshman who raised his hands in mock fear. 

“Oh, oh Matty. The serial killer’s son can’t even defend himself.” Jack’s eyes snapped to meet Neil’s, his lips twisted angerily, “Some much blood on your hands Nathaniel and yet everyone does the fucking dirty work for you.”

Neil’s vision blurred, the hairs on his back raised and he felt the ghost of his mother’s hand in her hair.

‘ _Next time Abram, you pull the trigger. I can’t always be killing these people to keep you safe by myself. You must learn.’_

_The next time Nathaniel raised the gun and he fired._

_He remembered he barely blinked when the body crumpled._

_Or the knife- how did it slide across his neck again? Why was it so smooth-_

Neil was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed that Kevin had started walking towards him, he hadn’t noticed Kevin’s hand reaching out to grab his shoulder. So when he made contact, Neil felt his skin crawl and the panic he had been attempting to stamp down for the entire day roared to life. Instincts kicked in and he was spinning around. His punch was quick, as his mother taught him to do, it landed a solid hit on Kevin’s jaw. Causing the man to grunt in surprise before stumbling away, as he moved away he his other hand was moving for the gun at his hip. But he paused when he saw both of Kevin’s hands flying up to his face and the distinct colour of blood dripped through his fingers. 

The silence that followed was deafening. Neil stood with his hand still cutched into a fist and didn’t bother trying to swipe off the smear of blood that resigned there. His breaths came in short, sharp gasps and-

_He lost his gun?_

_Just like your father, so angry, so angry. Where did you get such anger from Abram?_

_Too late, too late, just like your father._

_Your eyes, they remind me of him._

“Neil!” Dan cried from across the court, her voice managing to overcome the voices in his head. 

The sound of heavy feet running towards him caused Neil to stumble. Kevin looked up, his face pale and a mess from his bloody nose. He dropped his hand and started moving towards Neil, his face unusually emotionless and Neil threw his hands up.

“I’m- I didn’t- fuck Kevin I-” 

“Get him off the fucking court.” Kevin gritted, but Neil didn’t need someone to show him the way off. He started moving the moment Kevin finished talking. 

‘ _Run little rabbit look at you run.’_

“Can’t even finish a fight he starts.” Jack laughs, swinging his racket in the air before slamming it onto the floor. Neil fails at hiding his full body flinch. “Run little Nathaniel, isn’t that what you do best?”

_‘Come on Nathaniel, stop screaming, Wesninski don’t cry.’_

_‘Abram go run, shut up and run!’_

_‘Pathetic Nathaniel, sharp knives are mercy. Do you wish for a dull one?’_

_‘Hold the gun like this. No - you idiot! We are going to be killed if you can’t figure this out!’_

_‘You little fucking brat! Do you understand what stay still and smile fucking means? Mary get the fuck out of my way-’_

_‘Stop wincing Abram, you will have to get used to this pain by now.’_

_The gun recoils in his hand and watches the life leave the man’s eyes._

_Good, Nathaniel smiled._

_When his mother hit him that night, he hadn’t winced had he?_

_Dear old Dad would have been proud._

_‘I’m going to take great pleasure in killing you slowly Nathaniel, my greatest disappointment yet.’_

Neil broke.

-

Andrew had seen it coming from a mile away. Every flinch, every wince and every far away look. Andrew tried to do what he could to stop it, he’d known that look anywhere, he used to see it everyday he looked in a mirror. 

The slow build, the snowball, the shove of every feeling and every moment when a part of yourself was damaged. Shattered, blown away to the winds - eventually, eventually you will realize how much of yourself is really gone.

So when Neil dropped to his knees and screamed, Andrew was already running for him.

He shoved Kevin out of his way, as Neil crumbled, bringing his arms around his head as he screamed and screamed and screamed. Some of the team started moving for him, others were frozen in their places with pale gastly faces. 

“Get the fuck away from him.” Andrew growled when he dropped to a crouch near Neil. Instantly Neil bristled and Andrew prepared himself for an attack, it wouldn’t be the first time Neil had blindly lashed out in one of his fits. His entire body sensed a threat, as he dug his heal into the ground, his eyes blank and dazed.

How far away had he gone?

“Neil.” Andrew said, raising his hand, “Neil I’m not going to hurt you.”

Neil blinked, before his lips twisted, slowly and surely and he laughed, “No? You aren’t?” He gritted his teeth together, “Bold of you to assume I fucking care.”

“Neil, you need to breathe. You are at the Foxhole court, whoever you are afraid of is dead. You are safe.”

“Safe?” He echoed. 

“You’re safe.” Andrew repeated.

Neil made a noise between a laugh and a sob, “I’m not safe until I’m dead, don’t you get it? They won’t FUCKING SHUT UP.” He screamed before collapsing again. “Just kill me,” he whispered. “Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me.”

“Neil stop.” Andrew gritted, his hand flying to the back of his neck. But at the last moment he hesitated. Remember the way he had attacked Kevin at his own touch. “Abram, stop listening to them and listen to me goddammit.” 

A sob escape Neil lips as he dug his fingers into the ground, “I can’t do it, I can’t fucking do it. Get them out of my fucking head, get them out of my fucking head, get them out of my fucking head get them out, get them outgetthemoutgetthemoutgetthemou-”

Andrew stopped hesitating and grabbed the back of Neil’s neck cutting off the stream of words, “Neil breathe, you have to breathe.” 

The sound of hesitant footsteps caused Andrew’s eyes to shoot up, Matt, Dan and Nicky were starting to move closer with pale faces. Their hands trembling by their sides as they placed gear on the ground, each footstep caused Neil to flinch - his hands coming up to cover his ears as he sobbed. 

“I’m sorry, Father. I’m sorry I keep crying.” He whispered, “It just hurts.”

Andrew clutched him tighter, trying to pull Neil to him, “You aren’t there, Abram.” He lowered his voice this time, dropping his head to Neil’s. “You aren’t there.”

“Why am I so scared?” Neil whispered, “Why does he keep coming back. Why do they keep coming back?” 

“Neil?” Matt’s voice hesitated and Andrew shot him a cold glare, but this time Neil didn’t flinch by the sound. His hands started to reach for Andrew and off the ground but they stopped before they made contact. 

“Neil you can touch me.” Andrew mummered, “It’s okay, it’s okay. I told you I’d keep you safe, even from yourself.” 

“Andrew.” Neil started, curling his hands into his jersey, “Help me please.”

Andrew didn’t care that his team was there, he didn’t care that his mask was cracking in front of eyes to see. He didn’t care that Nicky’s eyes tracked his shaking hands as he ran them through Neil’s hair as Neil sunk into him. His eyes were closing slowly, as tears spilled over. His body grew relaxed slightly but Andrew had no idea how long the exhaustion of the breakdown would keep Neil’s demons at bay. 

“Okay.” Andrew said softly. Dropping his head with Neil’s in the silence of the field.

-

Andrew tried to keep the team away as he made to take Neil off the ground, Matt came forward and offered help. Andrew hesitated for a moment but knew he had other things to take care of before he could help Neil tonight. 

“Take him to our dorm, get Kevin to let you in.” He snapped, but still gave Neil over as gently as someone like him could. 

Andrew turned to find Jack standing there, looking confused and slightly sick but the small tip of his lip upwards is what sent Andrew moving and the familiar weight of the knife falling into his grip.

Jack slammed against the ground with a harsh thud that made Andrew smile, he placed the blade under Jack’s throat and leaned in. “Hey, Johnny, next time you pull something like that again. I don’t care what happens to me afterwards, I’ll take great pleasure in watching you bleed to death by my knife,” he tapped the tip against Jack’s chin. “I’m sure Neil could show you that thing you were talking about hmm? I’ll have no problem getting blood on my hands for him.” 

Jack’s eyes were squeezed shut and he flinched with every movement he made. It almost made Andrew smile, but he bit the inside of his cheek. Neil was his first priority right now.

With a shove, and a shallow cut to the bottom to Jack’s chin, Andrew pushed himself to his feet. He was also keenly aware that no one had stepped forward to stop him as he made his way off the field and to the change room. 

He was almost into the parking lot before Wymack stopped him, at first Andrew planned to ignore him until he stepped in his way and placed a hesitant hand in front of Andrew’s chest. 

“For fuck sakes Andrew, can you at least give me a second.” He snapped, and Andrew crossed his arms and leveled him with a bored look. Trying to look as uninterested as he could.

“What’s going on with Josten, you’re with him the most out of everyone.” 

Andrew raised an eyebrow, “I’m not his keeper, what he doesn’t tell me I don’t know about.” 

Wymack frowned, clearly not believing Andrew, and he also didn’t seem to be falling for his impassive looks. His eyes dropped to the hesitant shifting of his feet and Andrew silently cursed himself for letting his mask slip so far for Neil. 

“He’s fucked Coach.” Andrew snapped and heard the sharp intake of someone from behind him, he assumed it was Nicky from the sounds of it, “No one can go through that much shit and not be fucked up.” Andrew jabbed a sharp finger at himself, “You all think I’m fucked up and crazy from my shit, Neil’s been through shit _I_ can’t even imagine.” 

With that he pushed past his Coach and tried to not break out into a sprint for his car. 

-

Matt had only just reached the dorms by the time Andrew pulled up. Neil’s face was pale and his eyes heavy but he was moving on his own. Matt had a firm hand on his shoulder and Andrew started making his way over to them. 

Neil raised his head at the sounds of his footsteps and met Andrew’s eyes, “Did I cancel practice?” He asked weakly.

Andrew huffed, “Fucking junkie.” Before he offered his hand, “Yes or no?” 

Neil blinked down at the outstretched hand in confusion for a few moments before clueing in and reaching out, intertwining their fingers and Andrew offered a slight squeeze. He also didn’t bother to say thanks to Matt, before he started moving to get Neil inside and away from the prying eyes of everyone. 

Neil said nothing, but his grip was still tight even if he was walking like a wounded animal and for once Andrew decided to not say anything about it. Even as he unlocked their door and moved Neil to the bedroom.

“Stay?” Neil asked, his voice hesitant, “You don’t have too, if it’s too much. You’ve already done so much for me today.” 

Andrew huffed and shook his head, “You’re an idiot.” 

He made quick work on shifting so he was beside Neil and the wall, and Neil gave him a questioning look when Andrew spread his arms open, when he nodded, Neil moved quickly and placed his head on Andrew’s chest. 

Andrew wrapped his arms around his and buried his face in the soft auburn hair, smelling the faint scent of his shampoo. Andrew almost wanted to roll his eyes at the fact that Neil was stealing Andrew’s stuff but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, if he was another person, he might have even smiled. 

Maybe, he decided, that one day he might. 

“Drew?” Neil’s voice was hoarse when he spoke. “Do you think I’m crazy?”

“Not anymore than me.” Andrew said without pause, “I don’t think either of us are prime examples of good mental health.” 

Neil offered him a small snort, his hands coming to clutch the fabric of his black shirt. “I guess.” 

His body was still trembling, even after Andrew had moved to pull the blanket over top of both of them. But his breaths were even and his voice was steady so Andrew didn’t mention it. He slowly started moving his hand up and down Neil’s back in a slow, hesitant movement, giving Neil the time to tell him to stop if he didn’t like it. 

Instead Neil sighed, melting into Andrew’s side. His eyes fluttering closed. 

Andrew chewed on his bottom lip before speaking again, “That doesn’t mean we can’t get help.” 

Neil blinked in surprise, “What?” 

“Help.” He repeated, “Believe it or not I was more fucked up before we even met. I think that we need to go see someone, Neil.” 

Neil froze, his body stiff under Andrew’s hands as he pushed himself up on his forearms. 

“You asked for help Neil, this is me helping you.” He reached his hand out to touch the scarred face staring back at him, his finger sweeping across the rough skin. “Let me help you Neil.” 

Neil stared at him in silence. His eyes wide, probably from how open Andrew was letting himself be. But with Neil there, under his hands it was becoming increasingly more obvious that Andrew couldn’t let him go. That he wanted Neil, that he needed Neil and he’d be damned if he didn’t do everything in his power to keep him beside him. 

Neil placed a hand in Andrew’s hair, his fingers curling in them slowly and Andrew let go of a shaky breath before Neil spoke, “Okay.” He whispered. 

“Yes or No?” 

Neil smiled, “Yes.” 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If someone tells me Andrew is too OOC I will stomp you to death with my hooves. Look my in the face and tell me that seeing the person you love screaming in pain wouldn't make you break down the walls you hold up. Andrew! Minyard! Has! Feelings! And! Loves! Neil! Josten!  
> This is how I experienced my breakdowns, it might not be the same for everyone of course so do not take this as accurate or anything lmao. Thank you, comments and appreciated very much!!! Thank you for reading :)


End file.
